CW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, D&C*** 4 months ago, we reached the realization that i've written off many times in my life: that we were ready to have a baby. i know 4 months is a blink in the trajectory of most conception journeys, but in just 4 months, we've had two pregnancies and two losses. and it has been more devastating than anything we've known. when we got pregnant immediately the first time, that it could go away just as quickly was outside my realm of understanding. id naively bought into the narrative that when a career woman was ready to start a family, she remained as in control of her body as she did of her work, that she would conceive and will it to stick. i felt the pregnancy symptoms early and knew. but within just a week, they were gone. it was a chemical pregnancy--something i'd never heard of before but that happens in 70% of conceptions, often without anyone knowing (unless they, like me, are acutely aware of all minute changes in their body). i went into a walk-in clinic to confirm the loss my body alerted me to, and when i got home, there was a cold email in my inbox. no “i'm sorry for your loss”; just the bald words: "you're no longer pregnant." it was traumatic. i cried and could not stop. but there was also hope, that sense of will. clearly i'd done something wrong. i'd run too much, worked too hard. i could get pregnant immediately again, i told myself, and make it stick this time. marc and i took the time to mourn the baby that would have been born january 1, 2023. and then, we made our way to trying again. again, we were pregnant immediately. this time, i changed my entire life. i abandoned my 17-year vegan/vegetarian diet. limited my decades-long routine of running, weight lifting, and yoga. stressed less, worried less, worked less. i took five pregnancy tests everyday to make sure the baby was still with us. the first sonogram arrived in an ocean of relief, and everything pointed to a healthy pregnancy. a fetal pole in the right place, high hormone levels, flicker indicating blood flow. we were told to return next week for more good news: a heartbeat confirmation. (cont’d in post due to IG word limit. alt text embedded)