#ThotNaysh, I’m apologizing in advance to my ancestors for waxing hoetic about a pink sauseege on what’s basically MLK Jr. Day Eve. It’s not going well. Malcolm X, Mary McLeod Bethune, & Alvin Ailey left my ass on read in the group chat. But still I rise-oh, damn. Mother Maya just blocked me. 🤷🏾‍♀️. Let’s discuss the ripe 🍆 we all wanna put in our front and backside cornucopias. #ThanksgivingCanBeYearRoundIfYouSpreadRight #HALP. I’m talmbout actor & Thaddy aka thigh daddy @OrlandoBloom. ⠀ Orlando Jonathan Blanchard Copeland Bloom has a name that makes it seem like he c*ms quill pens & powdered wigs - #HighSociety - meanwhile my name is hella Midwestern - #LowSociety - so I guess our show would be called “Downtown Abbey” cuz he’d be going downtown on my Abbey aka my puss-puss. 🚔🚨🚔. That’s me calling the police on my unhinged behind. MOVING ON! Bloomers is hot! Peep the stats: he’s 5’11”, so he’s tall enough for my #LowBudgetCarrieBrandshaw self to wear some stilett-heauxes & not make him look short, he has a British accent, so we’re getting seated at restaurants even tho it’s packed & we didn’t make reservations - #ThisIsMyReparations - and his lewks??? I don’t even want kids, but his fine ass could talk me into going half on a pregnancy scare. #WeAreRegisteredAtPlanB. But it’s not just the physical. He’s talented as hell! ⠀ Full disclosh: I’ve never seen him in anything - 🤣 - which is 🍌 because he’s in “The Lord of the Rings” & “Pirates of the Carribean” franchises. I missed ‘em both. 🤷🏾‍♀️. But game recognizes game; he has a dope résumé: film (“Black Hawk Down”), theatre (“Romeo and Juliet”), & TV (“Carnival Row,” which he also produces). ⠀ Not only that, he’s a UNICEF Goodwill ambassador & worked w/Global Green, an environmental company. And he’s married to pop superstar Katy Perry, & father of two kids (one from a previous marriage to model Miranda Kerr). He never gave up in love! How romantic! ⠀ So congrats, Landy, on being sexy, a family man, & caring about our dang planet. I know you’re happily married, but if you’re interested in checking out the curse of MY Black pearl - sorry, Katy - hit me up. Welcome to the #ThirstyThursday Hall of Fame.