She used to grab my fingers, held tight in her fist as a babe. As she grew older, she was always content to just rest her hand on mine. “Shou, mama, shou?” Her little hand outstretched, reaching for mine. Heart beating hard under mine. Hand in hand. Heart to heart. It’s the day before Mother’s Day.. the day always set aside to remember & honor birth mothers & I don’t know how I feel about it. She’s a mama in every way & there isn’t a week or a day or an hour when my thoughts aren’t with her. The first mama who formed her, carried her, & birthed her. Who first grasped her tiny hand, stroked her soft head.. sang lullabies into her ear & the broken little heart formed within her, now fighting to beat against hers. Mama & baby, hand in hand. Just a mama & her baby. Heart to heart. The details are hers and ours: a story tender and hope-filled, yet agonizing and broken - a decision beyond comprehension. What I know beyond doubts is that there was deep love beyond just birth: her own heart breaking, seeking life with desperate hope for her blue-fingered babe with the broken heart. A mama who desperately loves her baby, hand in hand. Heart to heart. I’ve been rocking a best friend’s brand new baby these past couple weeks, marveling at him & thinking constantly of her. He grabs my finger & it’s the way she used to grab my finger & I remember & smile & miss her & wonder if First Mama gave her that grip. This isn’t the Mother’s Day I thought we would have this year. My heart aches for her, for both of them, as it burns and beats with hope & worry.. desperate whispered prayers. I think of her mama & want to stretch out my hand & squeeze tight. Two mamas wondering, waiting, carrying all the hope in the world for one little broken heart... & I can’t help but think that somehow, someway - across cultures & time zones & miles - her mama’s hand is outstretched too.. ..that somehow our hopes & songs & garbled prayers found each other along the way... & we’re hoping, standing, fighting together for one little broken heart. Hand in hand.. heart to heart.