TW/S* . . it’s been one year since I lost my sister. it was only 4 days after her 21st birthday. she never even got to open the present I sent her. she was the first sibling that came into my life when I was 3, and we were inseparable for most of our childhood. we started to drift apart in our teens, as we both struggled with our mental health. things improved after a few years, but it was clear that we each led different lives. she moved back in with me and my dad, and we spent more time together since i drove us to school everyday when we started attending the same college. i realized that even though she had grown into her own person, she was still that same girl that looked up to her big sister. things were good. i wanted to be there for her, always. she moved away and we drifted apart once again. i knew that she was still struggling with depression. the few times when she visited, she seemed okay. but i know well that depression isn’t black and white, and it can be easy to put on a smile for people. the days before, she argued with my mom, which happened often. my mom would often end up in tears, always trying to help her, and trying so hard to understand why she would act the way she did and say the hurtful things she did. i was in shock for a long time. it was difficult since i live far away from the rest of my family, plus my new semester of school started in 3 days. what hit me first was this feeling of emptiness. i lost something that was a huge part of my life. our family was now incomplete. it still is. all of us at some point blamed themselves for not doing more. we’ll live with these thoughts for the rest of our lives. i wish i had talked to her more and spent more time with her. it’s just me and my little brother now. i wanted to see us all grow up and have lives together. i don’t think she knew that any of us would have done anything for her. i miss you everyday. i hope you’re at peace. also, i hope that there are plenty of video games for you to play, wherever you are. please reach out to someone if you’re struggling. there are people who care about you more than you could imagine. check in on people. no one should have to go through this.