when i was 6 my parents round up every last dollar they had to buy me a life sized barbie with a wedding dress on it. as soon as i got it i ripped the dress off put it on myself and told everyone at my birthday party that i was going to marry zack in our class. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ my parents went through an awful, destructive and heartbreaking divorce a year later. i laid on my aunts chest and told her i would never get married. i never saw the barbie or wedding dress again and this was my first insight that love can be broken. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ when i was a teenager i changed my mind. love was real, marriage is worth fighting for. i told my parents i wanted to be married and have kids by the time i was 25. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 25 came around and left. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ at 28 i declared i would never have kids due to the economic and climate instability of the world. on top of that, having a history of severe anxiety, i could never figure out if i would pass that on. it scared the shit out of me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ at 29 i was falling in love with a man and toying with the idea again. he asked me what would i need in order for those things to be on the table. i told him stability, grandparents, community, a supportive partner who would understand my fears, finances to hire help etc. he looked into my eyes and said “i don’t think this will work out.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ i swore it off again. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 3 years later, i’m here and most of my friends have kids, longterm partners, houses, and so on. i don’t. i haven’t sworn off children and marriage again but i seriously do not know what the f i want or when i want it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ i listen to stories of women who swore off children only to hit 38 and all of a sudden want it and now they have fertility problems. i listen to stories of women who do not want kids and go to bed every night happy, stress free and calm with their decision. i listen to women who have kids who tell me “don’t do it.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ i watch the forests burn and water levels drop and lakes dry up. i listen to about the growing poverty and billionaires who choose to go into space. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ i feel a hurricane inside of me. what do i choose? #childless #parenting #lifeisstrange