I remember having a conversation with a fellow polyamorous person about how we each manage jealousy. As they shared about the emotional regulation skills they use to help tolerate jealousy when it comes, I grew embarrassed, realizing that when I experience jealousy, it can feel full-on distressing, not just disregulating. Then I wondered, could neurodivergence play a role here? I’ve since spoken to many other neurodivergent non-monogamists and found that, sure enough, I’m not alone. For many neurodivergent brains, feelings like fear, sadness, and jealousy can flood our systems before we have time to use any skills to manage them. If you’re neurotypical, it can be easy to mistake this as just not being a good candidate for non-monogamy. But the reality is, neurodivergent folks often have to use distress tolerance skills more frequently than our neurotypical friends. And that’s okay. In the same way that folks with physical disabilities use accommodations like hearing aids, subtitles, and elevators to move throughout their lives, neurodivergent folks use accommodations like stimming, skills, and tools to move throughout ours. But that doesn’t mean that we’re not up to overcoming the challenges presented to us. It just may take a bit more work or a few more steps - which really isn’t that different from how we live ours lives normally! So what do I do when intense emotions arise in the context of non-monogamy? - Stimming: pacing, tapping, humming, etc. - Physically feeling them: cry! (Yes I cry sometimes when I feel jealous!) - Self-soothing: run a bath, listen to music, use a weighted blanket - Intentional Distraction: hang out with a friend, watch a movie, clean my apartment - this skill is essential for me personally! If you’re non-monogamous and neurodivergent, what’s your experience been like? What do you do to manage intense feelings? Sound off in the comments!