We've all experienced ourselves sitting on the edge of our seat while watching a scary movie wanting to scream through the screen to the characters "don't run up the stairs!!" knowing what awaits them if they do. It's a trap and we know it. When I observe couples in therapy, I have my own "don't go up the stairs moments". As I watch the couple use a strategy I know is going to walk them straight into their dysfunctional dance of conflict I wish that they could see what I see from the start...before it's too late. At first, they often don't. We struggle to see ourselves because we are too close - in the same way that someone struggles to make out the image of a Monet painting if they are too close. In couples therapy, I am able to help them see the big picture - the dance that I notice they do each and every time their conversation goes in the wrong direction. I even encourage them to think of the unhelpful things they do as their "don't go up the stairs" moments. Some of them even leave with that mantra and use it to remind themselves to just stop. To not participate in the same destructive behavior they participate in each time. To try to find another approach instead. Even if you're not in couples therapy, though, you can begin to see the bigger picture of your arguments. Reflect back on a recent conversation that didn't go how you had hoped. What happened toward the start of that discussion that might have led it in the wrong direction? Was there criticism? Defensiveness? Stonewalling? Contempt? Did someone just have to be right? Were there efforts to exert control? Was there unbridled self expression ( you know the whole "if you can't love me at my worst" thing), did someone retaliate (well you did that so now I am going to do this!)? Did someone withdrawal? And if any of these things happened, do they tend to happen again and again, each time there is disagreement? If so, reflect on which of these things you do. And then, if you'd like to improve the way you show up in the relationship, whenever you are tempted to use one of these "losing strategies" say to yourself "don't go up the stairs."