*Sensitive* 💔My third baby. Never would I think this is how I’d announce you. But you came six months early. I remember shouting for Jacob when I wiped blood. So much confusion and panic. Is it my fault? Three days later you were born in the ER public toilet. I worried I hadn’t caught you so I dug through that toilet with bare hands. What I didn’t know, but I think people should know, is that when you miscarry you actually go into labor. You get that labor-tingle down your body. You feel like puking and shitting at the same time. Your hips sway automatically and eventually you feel the urge to push. But nobody tells you that. Nobody fucking told me that. Instead, young upbeat nurses look at you weird for standing and swaying- asking you to sit down over pads so your bleeding isn’t messy. To fill out stupid questionnaires. The ultrasound doctor said she could give me medication to make my contractions stronger. I asked what the side effects were and instead of medical symptoms she said this: ‘Pain during grief is... different.’ I didn’t know what that meant, but I do now. When you are laboring to have your baby that is alive- it isn’t wrong. There’s adrenaline and excitement. But when you are laboring and they’re gone, it’s confusing, scary and you plead for it to stop so maybe your baby can stay. Pain during grief is different. It’s torture. Based on the size of you, they gave me a day when you stopped. I looked at photos to see what I was doing that day. And I couldn’t believe what I had screenshot. Tell me how it all fits? Jacob found 5 four leaf clovers. One for each of us, plus one for you. But the original 5th clover he found was deformed. Torn. Broken. He didn’t want that one to be you, so he looked for a better one. It’s all wrong. Every part. My midwife said something and that is what I told the girls: Our baby came but their body wasn’t working right so their soul left and is waiting for us to make them a new one. I rehearsed it so I could control myself. Over and over. But how can moments as perfect as these ever lead to the last?