The Train Car De-Escalation Metaphor by Kai Cheng Thom A simple yet often extremely difficult guideline for de-escalating conflict is to slow the conversation down to a pace that each part of it can be absorbed. Structuring the conversation in an emotionally attuned way is also often enormously helpful. When we are trying to de-escalate an interpersonal conflict and heal a relational rupture, the rush of shame and anger mixed together often makes the need to explain ourselves, share backstory, and ask for forgiveness feel very urgent. How often do we hear perfunctory apologies, sentences that start with "I'm sorry that you feel this way, but I -" or "I can see where you're coming from, and I want YOU to understand that -". Even an authentic apology can feel jarring or meaningless if not enough time has been spent understanding why the apology was necessary. I like to think of the metaphor of a train rushing down the tracks when it comes to conflict de-escalation. The first train car is our understanding of how we have impacted the other person. The second train car is our own intention and experience. The two often come bound together, racing down the tracks. Yet it is often most helpful to disconnect the train cars and slow them down, and to pause between each one. Usually, it is only once we feel understood do we want to receive explanations or apologies. Disconnecting the train cars is simple and powerful skill, yet difficult to master - I certainly haven't yet! Let's practice together.