TW: eating disorder For years & years, my entire existence was based around shrinking myself. I called this being ‘fit & healthy’. But realistically, I suffered with orthorexia (an unhealthy obsession with eating “pure” food, alongside excessive exercise. This doesn't mean that anyone who follows healthy eating behaviours or a balanced diet is suffering from orthorexia.) I remember friends, people I knew and sometimes even strangers complimenting me on how good I looked. & if I’m honest, this only spurred on my fixation. They would often ask for advice on how I managed to loose and maintain weight loss. & I would share my eating patterns, detoxes & most of all how “clean” I ate with them (which I will not be going into much detail here as it can be very triggering) but what I wouldn’t tell them was about the times I would binge on food like I was never going to have it again. I exercised every single day without fail, super intensively and sometimes I’d even do this multiple times a day. It was seen as fuelled by discipline & determination. But what it actually was fuelled by was self hate & the desperate need for external validation. I lost my period for years, I was obsessed with the way I looked to the male gaze and my whole identity was based on this façade. The truth is, I was unwell. I had protein, vitamin and a few other deficiencies. My mental health was at a low. Alongside this, I severely disliked the way I looked. I remember looking at the picture on the left and thinking to myself, gosh... I need to loose a few more kgs then I’ll be happy. I look back at the version of myself and show her compassion because that version of me, is why I am the version and am right now. The message I am trying to get across here is that you cannot hate yourself into a version you love. Please please please, if you resonate with any of this, You are beautiful, exactly as you are. Not when you’re fit, toned, loose ‘x’ amount of weight. You deserve to be happy. The size of your body does not determine whether or not you get to experience the life you have. Love you x