*limerence * The way a single word could crack me open, exposing my oldest patterns of romantic self-sabotage with a simple wiki search. For those, like me, unfamiliar with the term...limerence is an involuntary mental state of profound romantic infatuation, deep obsession, and fantastical longing ranging from euphoria to despair. Basically, everyone experiences some level of limerence while dating— but what makes it so debilitating is when it morphs into long term unrequited love strung along by moments of hope for romantic reciprocation in the future— whether explicitly stated or implied by subtext. My first major crush was perhaps one of my longest cycles of limerence— I was head overs heels for B.J. from the youthful glow of 3 to 12 years of age. Then P.D. from freshman to junior year. And C.M. from 16 to 19...with many other short lived limerent objects in between. After several years of celibacy post divorce and finally finding happiness and fulfillment alone...I reconnected with someone from my past this summer. I did not consciously intend to catch feelings or even recall the intensity of the original limerent experience at first. A love that never was—intoxicating and all consuming. It was the one instance when feelings WERE reciprocated, but the timing off. Sixteen years ago at 16 years old, I was inconsolable in my heartbreak. And now— 16 years later, I see how my mind attaches to longing and wanting what it can’t have. Again— distance + the realities of life + a glimmer of hope for future reciprocation feed the limerent spell. I feel like I just meet a part of my shadow long misunderstood. Pouring love and energy into those who don’t want or need it. I like to name patterns and brain chemistry. It helps me accept and understand myself. ADHD + anxious avoidant + limerent— I’m ready to turn off autopilot and fly my own brain.