Social media is so weird. It’s just illusion after illusion. Carefully curated post after carefully curated post. So very little of it is rooted in truth. I don’t post as vulnerably as I used to now that I have a bigger following. Partially for fear of judgment / rejection, partially for my own perceptions and expectations of who I should be. But if I want to be loved when I’m not this shiny pretty version of me, I need to love myself when I’m so dehydrated from crying my lips are chapped and I haven’t brushed my hair in two days because I can’t get up. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I fight with my bipolar 2 disorder every day. I’m in a low place right now and it’s hard to continue to post and generally keep up appearances when it takes hours to just force myself to eat. It’s exhausting. It pushes people away. It feels heavy and while I know I’m not really alone in this, it feels like it. I read a book called the four agreements today. I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with themselves. It reminded me that I’m in control. I think the hardest part of living with a mental illness is feeling a lack of control, but it’s just another lie that keeps us from healing. It’s hard. I spent more time on the phone with my therapist today than I have in a while because I don’t feel alright. I’m trying out a support group on zoom tonight to really bring myself to a place of acceptance that I’m not as alone as I feel. I wish there wasn’t so much shame pinned to suffering, and I wish people understood how much suffering comes with healing. I feel so sad over who I was last year, last month, yesterday, whatever, but maybe that just means I’m getting better every day. I love me for not giving up. I love you for not giving up too. Maybe all we need as humans is to give love and understanding in the midst of the chaos, so I hope this post reaches someone who needs it. All I want to be in this world is who I needed so desperately when I was younger. Who I needed yesterday even. Maybe that’s all it’s really about. Maybe that’s all there is.