A part of me was dreading April for months. I’ll be taking a break from airplanes soon but never again from the people who remind me how worthy I am of love. I would be celebrating my anniversary, but life doesn’t look how I thought these days. I kept most this month off from work. I knew emotionally I wouldn’t want business as usual. Mentally, my mind is undoubtedly vacated & I’m giving myself another handful of days before I close the door on this season. Which has me thinking of Resurrection. Many in the world are pondering life and death and I will say that I’ve never felt it so deep inside myself. I’ve seen far more pits of struggle than I admit but they couldn’t have prepared me for what I would be feeling these past 6 months. Divorce has a way of ripping off bandaids of all the other junk that was there before. I’m exhausted. The future that I carefully hoped for went up in smoke. It happens often, but I wouldn’t have put divorce on my bingo card. I’m the brand of human that believes I can fix anything. And every time I hit a moment of “yes, look! I got this!” since, I’ve tumbled straight back down to rock bottom. Each time was less graceful and more painful than the last. It’s a reminder that healing wasn’t done & lately, I finally accepted that it never will be on this side of life. It took a lot of anger & tears to finally admit that I’ll always be human. I’ll always have need. Need. I don’t want to need anything other than myself, my grit, my bleeding heart, money to survive, my passions. I am a “knock it down if it’s in my way” type, even if that makes me a bull in a china shop most days. I didn’t want to need heartbreak to soften me. I didn’t want to need people to remind me my name & story when I forgot. But I did, & it’s been a dose of humility. & this weekend, I’m reminding myself that resurrection can come for anyone, even the ones who believe they don’t need it. & that thought makes the Easter celebrations make sense. Maybe I just needed to experience it myself. Death & life. Two sides of the coin. The reminder that even in the pits of tragedy, there is hope. Resurrection. I think I finally believe I need it this time.