Shared by MU Mama Brooklyn - After I had my second baby, he sounded stuffy. When I was transferred to the postpartum unit after delivery, my nurse took one look and listen to him and next thing I knew, he was out of my room and I was on the phone with my mom crying. They talked about surgery and consulting an ENT. My newborn was now in the NICU with an IV, oxygen, an entire team around him, and I was so helpless. He was diagnosed with neonatal rhinitis, given steroid drops for his nose and we went home. He was monitored closely and the ENT told me he’d grow out of it. I stopped the steroid drops at home as told and the next day I was at his pediatrician because he was having very labored breathing. He was readmitted to the hospital at 1 week old. He restarted the steroid drops and the next day we were discharged. I spent the next 8 weeks giving him steroid drops I was told would only be needed for a week. I took saline and the NoseFrida everywhere. Someone once asked me, “What’s that tube in his car seat?” It was our lifeline because he couldn’t clear any secretions on his own. I felt like I failed. I wondered when he’d ever get better. This entire newborn phase just passed me by and I don’t think I ever really bonded with him or enjoyed it. I was in constant fear. My worst nightmare happened at four months postpartum - he got sick. We didn’t know how he’d do. The ENT told me at his last appointment, “We wait and see how he does getting sick. He might be okay, but we can’t be sure.” While I am thankful this is something he continues to grow out of, this has stolen so much joy from me. I’m afraid I will look back and be so saddened over the fact I was unable to truly enjoy my baby boy. I read tons of NICU moms have postpartum depression and I believe it. I’m in therapy and trying to consistently take my medicine but there are days I don’t brush my teeth until 4pm and days I feel like I blinked and I don’t know what I did all day. I feel like I’m failing both my kids as a mother and I do think this season would be so different had my son not had the breathing issues he’s had. He’s still not 100% there but I hope he will be soon.