Hi it’s me modeling in a wedding dress LOL. The girl who’s been anti marriage since her divorce ten years ago. The irony being that I’ve worn more weddings dresses than I can count. This time was different. I reflected a lot when I got these insane images back. I’ve met various perceptions of myself through the few men I’ve dated since becoming single. They all bring up marriage (understandably for our age I guess) but somehow that triggered some deep insecurity in them, bc they weren’t at a place in their own journey to facilitate the depth that kind of commitment requires. I’ve come to realize I’ve been purposefully aligning myself with people who I knew wouldn’t be able to measure up to my expectations. That way, I didn’t have to fully open up to anyone and would therefore never be the one “failing”. My own fear of pain and abandonment. My own insecurity and need for ego and control. Sure, the ideal is to be in a relationship that feels so safe and so deeply intimate that I would naturally align with my highest calling through it. I fully believe it’s either that or nothing because nothing right now is so freeing and easy and empowering. It may be the celibacy talking LOL, but my life is already so full that any addition to it should just be the cherry on top. Heartbreak brought discernment and boundaries for who I allow into my orbit. Healing from it has made settling impossible. I’ve chosen myself so fully that only someone aligned with that energy could ever stay. Whether I wanted them to for whatever reason or not. So until then I will very happily be spending my summers in Europe, bed rotting in peace, and playing dress up for the camera.