🦋 Our fourth loss. On September 13, we transferred another embryo and found out over the weekend that it failed to implant. We’ve experienced four losses over the years, each one different and somehow more painful than the last. But this was the first where we have a living child in front of us, which was equally as beautiful as it was difficult, as we still had to go through the daily motions of changing diapers, feeding meals, and reading books. All the while, Cedar has no idea what’s going on. And yet, it’s oddly healing, as we find ourselves extra grateful for both his life and the light he brings to our home, even on the darkest days. I never shared this on here, but cardinals were our symbol of hope for the first “chapter” of our infertility journey, and the second half has undoubtedly been marked by butterflies. I see them absolutely everywhere, and they tend to flutter by right when I’m thinking doubtful or anxious thoughts. God has always broken through to me through nature (Can you tell? My first name is Holly, middle name is Violet, and I named our son Cedar and our dog Olive). Maybe that’s why I started the Just Touch Grass series — a subconscious longing to connect with my Creator, when I knew I would need it most. So what’s next? We hope for the future. Once again. But for now, we mourn what could have been. 🦋