Filming a reality show that heavily involves me being in a bikini is something I’m very used to since I’ve been doing it for 5 years now. However, being postpartum in a swimsuit on camera is new to me. My body has changed in many ways and is no longer familiar to me. Am I self-conscious? Sure, a little. And I imagine in a world where Elliot is still alive, my new body would be a major point of concern for me. Or maybe not, I don’t know. But since he is not here, my body mostly just serves as another reminder that I am a postpartum childless mother. My point is, loss moms often have to put their physical trauma aside because the emotional side of losing a baby is all-consuming. This is a gentle reminder that loss mamas have all the stresses of being postpartum on top of grieving our babies. So while I might be smiling more often these days...I am simply exhausted.