💭 I think I’ve started doing this thing where I only post about all the positive stuff in my life/recovery on instagram. It’s a strange sort of defence mechanism. I used to behave like this even before I went through major trauma. I used to want to give off a certain image. I took social media a bit too seriously and it became a bit of a compulsion. I promised myself that after having my son and surviving all this bulls**t I would only use instagram to be 100% authentic and to not sweat the small stuff. I also decided not to post as much in favour of bonding with my son and family time. Quality over quantity and all that. There are other important changes I promised to make, but this is relevant for now. (I had some pretty interesting thoughts race through my mind as I lay in the moment where I believe it nearly all came to an end - I'll share those thoughts separately).⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ I definitely have obsessive compulsive tendencies. When certain things in my life feel out of control I really like to hone in on the things that I can control. Sharing things on instagram used to make me feel like I was sat in the drivers seat of my life. I was sat in cruise control back then though.⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ I was speaking to my life coach about it last week and uncovering a new level of awareness about some of the slightly obsessive behaviours that I’ve developed over the years, many of which have become a LOT worse since the traumatic event. BL (before Leo) my obsessions tended to be surrounding work, which never proved that problematic.⁣ Infact I was pretty successful. I definitely needed to slow down and boy oh boy did I get FORCED to do that. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ Back to the topic of control and obsessions. When I was in hospital and everything was out of my control (to speak frankly it felt like the situation was out of everyone’s control), I had to focus on the things that I COULD control. It’s hardly surprising when day after day no one could really tell me what was going on, no one ever came in and said ‘you’re gonna be totally fine, we’ll have you out of here by X date. I wasn’t even sure whether I'd survive. I certainly had no idea what was inside the copious bags of liquid being pour