09.26.24 entry a week ago my therapist politely told me that i live in a castle of illusion where i’ve convinced myself that i can do everything and control everything it probably has something to do with childhood trauma, i’m sure that’s what they would say it also means that i have hardly any idea what i actually want or like because suddenly i’m realizing that i’ve lived my entire life doing things not because i want to, but because i think it’s what i’m supposed to do but i don’t think i want to spend every day ungodly exhausted or constantly saying yes because i’m afraid of what someone would think if i was honest and said the opposite and i don’t think i want to care about being perfectly palatable so that a stranger is not made to feel uncomfortable by me being exactly who i am and i really don’t think i want to spend the rest of my life being what everybody else needs from me and not being what i need for myself so i told my therapist she deserved a raise while tears streamed down my face and giggles echoed awkwardly in the zoom call because i don’t know what happens next but i do know that i am so tired of feeling anything but good and whole and peaceful and safe and perfectly content with controlling absolutely nothing in this exasperating experience they keep calling life