“One of the things that really surprised me after Paul died was that he actually died. He’d had late-stage cancer for two years and I even knew he was going to die that day, but when someone dies, they just DISAPPEAR. It felt so shocking to me. His grave is only 10 minutes from our house. We take friends and pour out a beer for him. Every New Year’s Eve, we watch the sunset. Cady will put stuffies on his gravestone. Sometimes I go alone, especially when I don’t feel like myself. I’ll lie on him and feel better. On our wedding anniversary, I’ll bring him a lemon from our lemon tree.” Read my sister Lucy Kalanithi’s full Big Salad issue, including a dating update, a parenting hack, and the pants that make her feel cool; link in profile. ❤️❤️❤️