i can't find a way out of this trap. when nacho died it felt (still feels) surreal. like something completely impossible that just... never happened. like it's some story or really bad longform joke i'm still following to find out how it ends. when i heard you were hurt it hit me immediately. similarly impossible but instantly concrete. like 4 stone walls fell out of the sky and trapped me. i spent friday night and most of saturday suffocating waiting to hear from zak, choking on my howling screams, wetting the bed with tears. i wanted to be with you and zak so bad. hating myself for not having come to meet you like you begged me to. i'm still trapped. little flashes rocking my brain. your smile or your eyes will suddenly spiral up out of the dark and shoot through me like an arrow. i'm shattered. i know you would applaud my spiral, and laugh while i'm stomping around screaming and throwing bricks through windows but i promise i won't completely lose it. i know you're not in any kinda boring white cloud hellscape... you're definitely lightspeeding around the globe in the final form of the beautiful demon you were in life. will never get over how much your forgiveness meant to me. how much your generosity did for me. how much the work you did helped so many kids in our city feel free and so many families you never met around the country live free. will love you forever. my heart is with your brother and mom and all the many people who love you. ((pics bryt sent me last week from colombia. living bright as ever. skin eating the sun. sweating in some neon night looking like a goddammned brick of gold))