The grip of grief snatched me up this year and tossed me into a whirlwind of disquieting unknowns. The vicissitudes of grief... The grief and trauma that come along with a cancer diagnosis. The grief of losing a part of my body I loved and strongly identified with. The grief of no longer taking health for granted and the stain of worry for my children and for my future self. The grief of my former joie de vivre and the way I moved through the world in my body that knew nothing of chronic disease. The grief of intimately getting to know health anxiety, going to monthly doctor’s appointments, and having a relationship with an oncologist for life. People seem to think breast cancer ends after surgery. I thought that too, sort of. But then there’s treatment, of course. Radiation brought into view my mortality in such an excruciating way, it’s hard to describe in words. I still feel it. And then, there’s medication everyday for 10+ years. THIS is the grief I’m regrettably rolling around in today. The side effects robbing me of my usual self and the potential implications of throwing the medication out the window and winging it (I fantasize about doing this, oh yes I do!). And then hoping for the best. I can’t do that (for obvious reasons) and I won’t. But man, talk about daily f*cking grief. Cancer yields a certain sort of grief that hovers close through all the days that remain, apparently. And here I am trying to carry on. Trying to navigate it all with a semblance of grace. #ihadamiscarriage #breastcancer #grief #loss #breastcancerawareness