From breast cancer diagnosis to bilateral mastectomy, radiation and now just days away from reconstruction. I’m wondering if I can attempt to embrace the phrase “I HAD breast cancer” or if it feels like too bold a statement just 8 months out. The ongoingness of oncology appointments, daily medication and surgeries make the cancer diagnosis still feel very present. Consuming. During this topsy turvy season of my life, I’ve been particularly bowled over by the wildly misguided conceptualizations of reconstructive surgery. The litany of comments span the gamut — “You’ll have the most amazing boobs”, “You’re having a ‘mommy makeover’. Lucky!”, and “You get to have a free tummy tuck. You’ll look like you never had kids.” You already know how I feel about that last comment in particular, so let me address the others. To borrow from @melanielynnpenndesign: IT IS NOT A BOOB JOB AND IT SURE AF ISN’T FREE!!! For those who try to glorify breast cancer by talking exclusively about implants as if they don’t have shortcomings and getting perennially perky breasts, we know our culture has failed us. Breast cancer is cancer. And cancer kills. And when it doesn’t, it spooks us into thinking that perhaps we will have foreshortened lives — upending our ideas of security and longevity. So although we who navigate breast cancer might attempt to find things within it that are “positive”, we would rather be anywhere but here. This is not elective. This is not an opportunity to look “better”. This is breast cancer. In 2 days I will venture into an 8 hour surgery (12 hrs actually), a 3 night hospital stay and months of recovery. I’ve opted for a surgery that uses my own tissue to rebuild the breasts because research shows implants can fare poorly following radiation. Going flat doesn’t resonate. Implants carry risk. This is the direction that seems to be wisest for me long term but is quite an ordeal rn. Grief accompanies every decision, every step, every surgery. This shouldn’t be underestimated. So let me say it again for those in the back: This is not elective surgery, per se. This is not an opportunity to look “better”. This is breast cancer.