*This post discusses suicide.* I’ve been open about the fact that I’ve struggled with anxiety, but something I haven’t talked about as much — and it may be perhaps even more important — is that I also struggled with postpartum depression. Pre-kids, my anxiety had been managed (for the most part) with running—lots and lots of running. So, when I couldn’t run postpartum, anxiety took over my life. I couldn’t sleep, I wouldn’t leave Thomas, I hated when others held him. I was nervous about EVERYTHING. I was all too familiar with anxiety, but I couldn’t understand the suicidal thoughts that soon followed. I didn’t want to die. I loved my family. When I shared it with my counselor, she immediately recommended medication — for the first time in almost 13 years of seeing her. I didn’t want medication, but it honestly changed my life. It not only helped the suicidal thoughts stop, but it tamped down anxiety that I had struggled with for years. So I was VERY frustrated when postpartum depression popped up after my second pregnancy since I was still on Zoloft. I knew it could come back, but I didn’t expect it to come back even worse since I was already on medication. I felt so much shame about the suicidal thoughts. So much so that I don’t think I’ve told anyone about it... except my counselor. So why am I sharing on the World Wide Web? So you know you aren’t alone. Depression and suicidal thoughts do NOT mean that you are weak. It means you need to get help. Get medication if you need it. It may not make everything go away, but you CAN work through it. When I fought going on meds, my counselor reminded me that things can get scary very quickly. You think it’s just fleeting, but it just takes one very bad day for things to happen that can’t be undone. - continued in comments -