The post that’s taken me a month. No one talks about the journey. We love to hear about the before & after, but it’s hard to talk about the process of getting to that *after.* It’s especially hard when the *after* is entirely unknown. But here I am, talking about the journey. I don’t talk about religion much here, even though it’s always been a pretty big part of my life. My religion has been a part of every single large decision of my life. My friends growing up & where I spent the majority of my time. How I dressed & how I judged the goodness of others. Where I went to college, who I married, all the career paths I chose, how many kids I had, and honestly, a lot of my social & political beliefs for a long time. This past year has brought on a lot of challenges—the physical & mental pain of pregnancy, transitioning from 2 to 3 kids, holding down the house for 10 weeks while my husband deployed, having to exclusively pump to feed my baby, and so many others. . My faith has also been challenged over the course of this year. I’ve spent a lot of time deconstructing harmful beliefs I’ve held for a long time. I’ve been forced to take a hard look at what I’d been taught and what I actually believe is true and not true. Admitting out loud that many of my beliefs have been actively harmful to people I consider dear friends has been painful. There are things I’d considered as an absolute that I now see are much more nuanced. Black and white is now a thousand shades of gray. Things I once *knew* I now don’t believe at all. And I don’t know where to go from here. Which is an utterly terrifying thing to admit out loud. To have something that was once so foundational completely collapse is a strange and wildly uncomfortable feeling. And I feel like that’s not something I’m actually allowed to admit out loud. At least not in my religion. Which is more of an all encompassing lifestyle, rather than just a belief. You can’t really just pick and choose and still actually be accepted as a member (people may say you can, but it’s so very looked down upon 🙃) . I guess this is to let you know that if you’re in the middle, not quite before, not quite after, you’re not the only one.