It was excruciating. I’ll be frank. I begged her to leave me alone before I lay by her side. I turned my back on her before I looked her dead in the eye. I denied her my trust until she brought me to my knees. It wasn’t one big event that severed my relationship with my own heart. It was a long laborious journey. Little betrayal after little betrayal over years. From the outside, everything was “fine.” My internal world, however, was NOT FINE. The discomfort I felt in my own body. The incessant obsession with how others perceived me. The people pleasing. The insecurity cloaked in ego. I wanted love so badly and yet I wouldn’t let it penetrate me. I wouldn’t let it touch my cells. I wouldn’t let love be god. Not letting love in, for me, looked like: -isolation. -keeping everyone at arm’s length -choosing and pedastalizing narcissistic and manipulative partners. -over analysis. -judgement for myself & others -consistently feeling like my heart was being squeezed by wrathful claws. Under those conditions, I achieved so much. A Master’s Degree at 23 years old, traveling to 20 countries, landing adjunct professor positions, getting a yoga teacher certification, founding businesses, exploring alternative lifestyles, really “living”. None of it mattered. In 2020, I broke. I died. And it looked like these photos. The tears. The unraveling. The rage. And ultimately, the unshakable joy. The F*cking Universe came pouring out of me and it HURT. It also felt good. It was so dark and so light and such a relief. I used to write in my journal over and over again that I just wanted to feel proud of myself for something. I just wanted to ACTUALLY feel like I had DONE SOMETHING worthy of my own bow. I sit here writing to you from a little coffee shop in the SoCal mtns. I sit here now worthy of my own bow. Not for any merit based association. But for rigorously inviting love to penetrate every particle of my being. Again and again and again. The only thing truly worth all the effort you’ve got in this life is the pursuit of freedom from whatever holds you back from letting love in. Face it. Feel it. Release it. You are already love. You are already God.