Last night, I lost my patience. While eating dinner, you were playing with your food, laughing with your mouth full, shaking your head side to side so your long pigtails swished around in rice and sauce. Maybe it was the little sleep I had the night before. Maybe it was the fact I had repeatedly told you (nicely) to stop getting food in your hair. Maybe it was the mess that was triggering. Whatever it was, I lost my patience. I got up and snatched the hair ties in your pigtails and undid them, leaving your hair to cascade in a mess. Just get everything messy if that’s what you want, I basically implied. Immediately, I felt regret and shame for snapping. The stunned and hurt look on your face nearly killed me. “Ow, mommy, you hurt my hair…”, you quivered in as composed a tone as a toddler could muster. I know it didn’t hurt a great deal because the hair ties were soft, but I could tell you were more hurt and startled by my actions. I silently retied your hair and swapped out your dinner with fruits, wondering how to repair my mistake. Now you ate quietly without playing, and when you finished, you timidly said “媽媽,我吃完了”—a rare, full sentence in Chinese, telling me you were done. Because you know how excited I get when you speak Chinese to me. My heart broke. I picked you up and hugged you close. I felt your body embrace mine, like you yearned for the approbation. I grew up in a household where apologies did not come from adults. Even if they were at fault, no one ever admitted it. I’m far from a perfect mom, but I want to be a cycle breaker for you. So I said, “I’m so sorry I hurt your hair earlier. I lost my patience. I will try to take a deep breath and speak kindly next time.” It was humbling to tell you that I regretted my behavior and that I wanted to do better. You nuzzled my cheek and replied, “I’m sorry I was playing with my food.” I wanted to cry. I wasn’t expecting you to say that, but you were so mature and understood where my outburst came from. And we both genuinely owned our mistakes. I whispered into your ear, “I love you.” And you finally smiled and whispered back, “I love you a lot, Mommy.” ❤️ ✍🏼📷: @pearlsofjasmine