Hello from the chemo ward at York hospital 💛👋🏼 I don’t normally come here on Wednesdays but I had a little extra break because my liver wasn’t very happy (it’s ok now). There’s a whole different gang here today, a man in a very smart shirt and a woman with her book and crochet. I’m the youngest again. The older people have stories and are jolly. The radio is playing Lovely Day by Bill Withers which feels a bit inappropriate but it’s people ringing in with requests and I guess they must have some nice afternoon plans. I’ve stuffed as much wonder into these last med-free days as I could. The conviction that this too shall pass has muscle memory and my brain was starting to forget. I went to @hepworthwakefield and saw @carolinewalkerartist Mothering exhibition (nostalgic, poignant, beautiful) and Helen Chadwick’s satin vulvas in Life Pleasures (erotic, grotesque, chocolate, perfect). I bought an expensive silk turban that doesn’t suit me and I can’t return and an electric blue co-ord from Hush that also didn’t suit me and I exchanged for some jeans with an elasticated waist. I made jam. I did quite a bit of writing and some social work. I diversified my gut microbiome with @planthooduk meal boxes. I held the tiny hands of my brothers’ small children and the memory of my own children’s hands at their age and the hands of my brothers when we were little, hadn’t faded at all. The beeper is going off on my IV trolley thing to let the nurses know it’s finished. The radio is playing I Can’t Dance by Genesis. Cheers Pauline from Wolverhampton, kind of tactless but ok. I wrote a thing about a dog that really loved its owner outside a Co-op that I’ll try to post on substack later. There’s a special kind of existential panic-awe-envy collision that happens when everyone else around you is shining and thriving so damn beautifully online and you’ve just got six selfies with bad hair in bright blue clown trousers to show for yourself. I held my baby nephew as he experienced an oak tree for the first time on Sunday though and only filmed a tiny bit of it. Wonder slips away and we should let it. That’s how it keeps us searching for more.