It's been a few days now and i'm finally processing haru's death... i was journaling some of my thoughts and i figured i'd share some with you all -- as many of you know, i had to say goodbye to my childhood dog at nearly 16 years old this past week. the preemptive grief as the countdown began was one of the hardest, most disorienting things i've ever experienced... i tried to show him my happy self as much as i could while having to escape away to my room to cry every few hours. I couldn't get myself to vlog the final day -- but the day of, i took haru on one last stroll and watched him sniff his favorite bush and sat with him on the grass for a long time. before leaving for his appointment, i held him and gave him a tour around the house - letting him take one last look at all of his favorite corners. moments before he passed, i told him repeatedly that he was a good boy and felt his body limp as i held him. Towards the final days, I think he knew his time was up. It's a strange phenomenon but he had more energy than the previous two weeks in which he's been in so much pain. I think he mustered up all his energy to worry us less. He also was refusing food for two weeks prior, but started to eat all of his favorite foods just once each (and then would refuse to eat them again). I think he wanted one last taste of each of his favorite foods before he passed. i guess my videos were somewhat controversial because some people are calling me a murderer or someone who is choosing convenience over fighting for my pet's life or someone who is filming herself crying for attention - but trust me this was one of the hardest decisions i've ever made. During the five days i spent with him i kept going back and forth on my decision, asking haru for signs if he wanted to keep fighting and living. my videos show his wins and happy moments because these are videos i am creating for me to look back on and that's how i want to remember him. my videos don't show all the moments i'm sobbing or when haru is in a lot of pain as he struggles to breathe or all the hours we just lay on the floor of our living room because he simply did not have the energy to do anything else. as sad as i am - ultimately, i believe this was the best possible sendoff i could have given haru. What a blessing it is to have had five days to fully enjoy and appreciate his life. He was surrounded by all of his favorite people and we never left his side (partly because we wanted to maximize our time with him and partly because we were so afraid he would pass away all alone) It's a silly way to grieve, but i also found a lot of comfort in knowing thousands of people have gotten to know and love and mourn haru with me through my last few videos. Thank you for loving him in his last moments with me.