Jesse Hoffman accurately depicting my smile fade to disassociation •happens alot • I wanted to be in a hotel alone on this day •I turn 33 and idk what that means • life is moving so fast I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I see it’s not the little boy feeling like a girl at 15 • I see rainbows all over the stream/feed like the oil from a pipeline gliding on the surface of water a guy on gindr said we were just on the elevator together he said I was stunning and thefirst thing I thought to say is you probably knew I was trans • right away I’m left to unpack this inner dialogue as if it’s a bad thing to be seen as trans• when I think about feeling proud about oneself I think about 2 women I won’t say their names• I worked at a nonprofit for trans ppl • we sat next to each other at dinner and in true trans fashion there was no time for small talk •we spoke about how she could only dress as her truest self on certain nights that her wife allowed her to• like a trans dinner with the org I worked with or speaking at a trans gnc+ event • she had kids and she loved her wife and she didn’t want to disrupt the family • so I was meeting her on one of those special nights where she could dress as femme as she pleased•most of the other days she had to play the “father figure” as she put it• She’s a powerful speaker and she was such a beautiful dinner guest • one day I hugged a woman who seemed like she needed one in the same nonprofit mentioned earlier• she came from Central America when Trump was demonizing people migrating to safety in the midst of escaping life threatening circumstances• she came to the org for help • months later we ran into each other she hugged me and started crying as she gave me a ring of a plant meant to look like it’s wrapping around my finger • she said I was the first to hug her after she made it to LA safely• we both cried as I asked her what her plans for the day were her tears slowly turned to a smile as she said I’m going to go see a movie with friends •visibility•pride• it’s complicated • I find it hard to face each day as my truestself even if proud of who I am today •and then I remember this is a privilege •33 to introspection 🥂