pre-surgery update (1 week til surgery) ⠀ includes sad topics ⠀ for the past few weeks people have been asking me “your surgery is coming up!! how are you doing?” and for the most part i’ve answered “okay, at best” or “to be honest.. awful” ⠀ there is a unexpected sadness ive found in the weeks pre-surgery. the mix of anticipation that it’s coming up (finally) and then a shit ton of trauma that surfaces. i really, really didn’t expect to be feeling this way. ⠀ i want to state that im not looking for sympathy in this sharing - i want to share my experience so others who may feel the same way know that it’s quite a normal thing. some pals who’ve had surgery told me they felt the same(ish) ways too. ⠀ every day has felt like a death and a birth. i guess the cliché of rebirth is there for a reason. i have been wanting to hide away and come out once my chest has healed and then continue being perceived. it’s been the most dysphoric i’ve ever felt. ive hated all my clothes and cried every day. ⠀ i had/have a feeling of suddenly wanting to really care for my body. there was one moment i cried for how awful ive been to my body over this lifetime and how now, after realising transness, i can and want to take care. i want rest and i want joy. for once, i know im worthy of those things. ⠀ one thought i kept having was “ive been trying to die this whole time, and now i kind of am.. but, actually im coming to life.” ⠀ ive been preparing for myself. treated myself a couple times to little gifts - things i wanted for years but never gave. (i imagine) it has felt like preparing for a new baby, who’s actually me, who’s actually still kinda the same. ⠀ my surgery is a breast reduction for a non-binary person. i should be going down from a C cup to a AAA or AA. ill be going to poland very soon. ⠀ im so excited ⠀ here’s to tiny titties, time off to rest/recover/play video games, everyone who donated to my fundraiser, every pal who’s offered support, my love to come be my carer, to any type of gender affirming surgery and to all the gorgeous ways of being trans ⠀ xx ⠀ P.S. if anyone would like a post about the logistics of it all (rather than all my emotions) just lmk