January 15th. For 18 years this day has been full of a complicated mix of emotions but this year is probably one of the most intense. I guess new motherhood does that to you. What I feel is a tangled ball of joy, and grief, and newfound perspective. I hesitated to share photos of Lou today because for some it might feel inappropriate or counter to remembering & honoring Mark, but in my mind it is actually one of the best ways to do just that - to continue living a life worthy of his sacrifice and to continue making decisions that he would be proud of. To continue talking about him at every moment possible, even though it may seem like life has moved on, because the truth is he will always be one of the biggest parts of who I am. During the last few months, the lessons that motherhood has taught me include: - It is indeed possible to celebrate new love and life while still being so heartbroken over what never was. - It is indeed possible to honor the deep love we will always have for Mark, yet leave our hearts open to welcome in the new. - The magnitude of love that a parent can have for a child and the corresponding gaping hole it must leave in your heart & soul to lose that child. It is one thing to understand something philosophically and it is another to feel it in your bones. I feel it now. - It is possible to find a partner who can sit in the grief with you and who can celebrate the love alongside you, knowing that none of it detracts from the love you two share. Today I count my many blessing, chiefly among them is Mark. No matter how much time passes or how much life changes, Mark being at the top of the list will never change.