It’s been a month since I woke up to find my baby brother dead in his car, after some time, his death was ruled a suicide. He slipped out of my apartment in the night and never made it back. I figured I’d write a little bit about what I’m learning navigating the grief each passing day. I’m not important and there’s no incentive to read but nothing is more universal than suffering so hopefully this lands somewhere soft with those who read. Chase the light. Just chase the fucking light. There is nothing linear about grieving and grief will allow you a few breaths above water only to hold you under again. You will only fight death and darkness with love and light, all else will fail, so fight and fight valiantly. Feeding the darkness will only lead to it consuming you more, it may feel good in the moment but it will not in time. You’re going to bleed inside, be careful not to bleed out onto other people, your darkness is not their darkness, if you’re going to bleed, paint a canvas with the puddle you’re left in, don’t let your grief go to waste. Make friends with your grief, sit with it, create with it, get used to time spent just feeling whatever it is you feel without blaming yourself for feeling it. You’re never going to work away your grief, accomplishments won’t fix the pain, putting a bandaid on a bullet wound is futile, it needs time and attention to heal. You’re going to feel hopeless many days and numb on others, hold onto hope for when it dies, everything else does; keep chasing the light wherever you find it. When we experience death and loss, life is right around the corner, when one thing leaves us, another is birthed in the soil left behind. Our hope isn’t aimless but rather patient knowing the laws of the universe never betray themselves and we are at the mercy of time for everything to come full circle. Grief doesn’t makes sense in the moment, and you’ll drive yourself mad trying to understand it, but time filters through the fog with clarity and understanding, purpose and new life are found in the rear view. It always makes sense looking back, so go easy on yourself and keep chasing the light. Self Portrait // Scotland