#ThotNaysh, welcome to Phoebe’s Fap Club. Grab a drink heavy on electrolytes, open our self-published CLIT-erature (cuz Penguin Random House ain’t wasting their ink & paper on printing our heaux-try aka heaux poetry), & set our vibes to “destroy my private parts; I’ll see them in the afterlife.” Today, it’s all about a universally praised peen. A sage sauseege. A beloved bean stalk we all wanna climb while wearing our finest Patagonia lingerie. I’m talmbout actor, musician, entrepreneur, & philanthropist #KeanuReeves. ⠀ Schlong story short, Keanu Charles Reeves is such a panty dropper that his middle name can’t stop me from spreading like orange marmalade on crumpets. Like his middle name is the equiv of tripping while walking but you don’t stop to see what the happened cuz you gotta get to the BOGO sale at Zara. Point is NOTHING IS GETTING IN THE WAY of the dong you’re destined to dine on. ⠀ Peep the stats: he’s 6’1”, so he can hang up/take down our Kwanzaa string lights, has gorgeous hair that’s the inspo for a wig I rock when I wanna look like a Pilates teacher with a yoni egg side bidness, and has a sexy voice & mouf that we wanna sit on & test drive like they’re RAV4 during Toyotathon. HALP! I could go on & on about his lewks, but there’s so much more to K Dot Reeves. ⠀ His movies have grossed over 3.9 BILLION DOLLARS worldwide. He got range! Gives us action in the “John Wick” & “Matrix” franchises, drama in “Sweet November” & “Dangerous Liaisons,” and a LL Bean turtie neck fetish when he played a doctor in “Something’s Gotta Give.” Plus! He has a big...heart. He runs a secret cancer foundation that funds children’s hospitals, has donated over a 1 million 💰 to PETA, & gives large portions of his salaries to pay for the stunt teams on his films. ⠀ And while Keanu’s private about his dating life, we know he’s linked up w/an age appropriate boo - visual artist Alexandra Grant - who’s a boss bitch on her own right. I stan a man confident enough to date his equal! ⠀ So congrats, Kea-Kea on being hot, having a great career, and a massively generous heart. If thangs don’t work out with Alex, you can crash at my “Lake House” aka my puss puss! HALP! #ThirstyThursday