It’s hard to find the exact way of putting this, because in all honesty I don’t really know how I feel. The season has been a roller coaster/submarine, rolling along up and down but the downs go real low, down into the deeps. And I know I’m not the only one who has experienced these things. This is the longest I’ve stayed focused for a race season, so perhaps that’s part of it. It’s not that I’m physically tired, but mentally. I’m so grateful to be able to do this crazy sport as my job right now, but the stress is something I’m still learning how to live with, how to manage. This job is so different from any of my other jobs, while those have had pressures and anxiety all on their own this one is full on 100% of the time. Or rather, I haven’t found a way to clock out, even for a moment. It’s always there, and I think that’s a good thing, but only if I can learn how to keep it all in perspective. I have never raced a series before and now I find myself sitting in the top 3 with 2 races to go. It’s taken an incredible amount of work and focus to get here, and I won’t lie, a lot of it has been emotionally trying. I have had to do some mental gymnastics with myself to validate what I’m doing, to find that perspective. I’ve attempted to balance other projects and failed, I’ve attempted to win races and failed but the thing I have without a doubt is consistency and true (painful) determination to finish the shit I commit to. There are so many wonderful parts of this job, this season too, mostly the people and the support. But I wanted to show that shadow side of it all just in case it helps validate what someone else is going through. You can be on the top of the world from the outside but sinking down simultaneously. I’ve been riding the waves and thanks to my support system my head has stayed above the water. There isn’t a nice and tidy way to wrap this up, there isn’t a catchy phrase of inspiration I have for you. Things seem hard and sad and generally pretty grim in the world right now but there really are lovely, beautiful, wonderful parts of it all too. Perspective is everything. Photo: @brynnemower