I have been a mother for 14 years as of Sunday so I can say with some level of certainty that much of what we *think matters often doesn’t. I should specify: I have spent my entire adulthood thus-far mothering River and I have learned via this and All the information graciously shared with me by some of the most brilliant, creative, and dynamic mothers who preceded me and did not let my age ‘be a thing’ that our individual appointments in this life pale to our collective one. Which, if you have a child or decide to do the task of mothering, folds you into this hyper-conscious collective. The days leading to R’s 14th birthday were some of the coldest since her birth. The weeks and months leading to it felt sharp in the same way too. Blurry, indefinite. I had no idea of the world we were embarking on or even —if I’m being honest—the one I was offering her 14 years ago. I chose it. The weeks before her birthday this year, she laid in my bed and as I began to cry at the weight of the world, humanity and the magnitude of a gift it is to have her crawl beside me. I felt similarly but the discomfort, hope and knowing was different. It is hard to deliver your child to a changing world, and yet, so so many do it everyday. That’s about 385,000 babies and then teens... If I’ve spoken to you in person the last few months about mothering right now, chances are I couldn’t do so without the same bout of tears coupled with the statement, “I just want to be close to her.” It has felt like those same early years when she was learning how to walk on a side street in Bushwick. In the day I find myself not only trailing beside her, but once again scouring the crowd for danger and speaking in languages she can not understand; prematurely offering an open world and an unknown one. I count the days that I have shifted my mine to be present enough to even have the privilege to account: “4 more years with me at home...“ In the evenings I conjure my new plan where I pretend the constant letting go of her gets easier. R is The Sweetest person and friend. She has taught me commitment and care. It has been an honor to be her guide, but mostly, a passenger. HBD Riv! 🌸